End of the Day Tantrums and the wisdom of James

 

Rev. Molly F. James, Ph.D.

St. James’s, West Hartford, CT

September 22, 2024, Proper 20B

Psalm 1; James 3:13-4:3, 7-8a; Mark 9:30-37

May God’s Word be spoken. May God’s Word be heard. May that point us to the living Word who is Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. 

There was an article in the New York Times recently that caught my eye: “End-of-day meltdowns are not just for kids.” Hmm. Oh, you mean that thing where I pick my kids up and am short tempered with them for no particular reason and just wish dinner would magically appear on the table and the laundry would all do itself is not just a me thing? Oh. 

The article went on to describe some helpful suggestions for how those of us parents (and really any adults) might alter our routines to help us have calmer transitions and more patience. Because of course the end of the day (or middle of the day) meltdown is not unique to working parents with small children. All of us get stressed and snap at those we love. 

All of us fail to live up to the wisdom we have in the Letter of James today: “Show by your good life that your works are done with gentleness born of wisdom. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy.” 

Peaceable, gentle, willing to yield? Does that sound like how any of us feel when we are stressed out or melting down or dealing with a sense of overwhelm? I doubt it. 

So, what can we do? How might we help ourselves and those around us do better? Because I have certainly found it to be true that if I meet someone else’s grumpy with more grumpy that doesn’t serve either of us. If one of us can be centered and full of mercy then the whole situation changes. 

Fortunately that article had some helpful suggestions of a lot of small things we can do. 

First off, is to be able to recognize when we are feeling stressed. Hopefully we can learn to do this on our own, and sometimes we need help. I know I often need a friend or one of my children to say something to me like: “Hey you seem out of sorts. Are you okay?” A nice, polite and gentle way to say, “I really don’t like how you're behaving right now, and it feels like you are taking stuff out on me.

And then we need to de-stress. This doesn’t have to be a complicated regime. It can be some simple acts that take a few minutes. Take some deep breaths. Go for a walk. Pray. Especially saying a prayer that is familiar and grounding - Our Father, 23rd Psalm, one of those beautiful prayers from Compline. Or keep a favorite verse or two of scripture handy. Or have a cross or beads or a rock or something tangible you can keep in your pocket or your bag to help you reconnect with God. 

I know for me there is something important and profound that happens in prayer and worship. My mind is more focused. I have found my priorities again, and I no longer feel stuck in the swirling anxiety and stress of my own head. This is why worship matters. Why prayer matters. It actually makes a substantive, tangible difference in our bodies and our lives. 

The other thing that matters is that we have routines. We need to have habits to help us transition from one part of your day to the other. What if we don’t work right up to the last possible moment before we transition home for the evening? What if we are more intentional about putting our phone aside? What if we change our clothes when we get home? Or take a few minutes to listen to a song that always lifts our spirits? The possibilities are endless. 

And we need to be able to tell those around us what we need. Do we want to jump right into conversation the moment we walk in the door? Or do we need a few minutes of quiet? Are we 100 times more able to engage if the first thing we do when we get home is have a snack and a glass of water? And what about our kids? Are we asking them what works best for them too and then living into that together? 

This may seem like a long list or sound like a lot, and I hope you can see that they are small actions - just a few minutes, a few small changes here and there that can have a profound impact. 

No doubt the world and our lives need more of the “wisdom from above” that is “pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without a trace of partiality or hypocrisy.” It is the life of humility and grace that Jesus describes in our Gospel today. When we act more like an innocent, joyful child than the squabbling disciples who are far too focused on who is the greatest. 

Imagine a world where there is more gentleness and mercy than envy and selfish ambition? Sounds beautiful right? Well, we may not be able to change the whole world this week, but if we can change our own hearts and habits it will make a difference in our lives. And who knows what the ripple effects of that could be? 

AMEN. 

Cultivating Connection

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Rev. Molly F. James, PhD
DFMS Noonday Prayer via Zoom
Dunstan, May 19, 2020

May God’s Word be spoken. May God’s Word be heard. May that point us to the living Word who is Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

“Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour.” Be ready. At first, I read our Gospel today, and I feel exhausted. Be ready? God, I am already tired or weary or whatever the word is for the kind of tired that is not just fixed by more sleep. Now you want me to get ready? That just sounds like more work, and I don’t even know what I am preparing for . . . I just know I will be blessed if I am “working” when God shows up.

And then I pause. Then I take a deep breath. I think, does work purely for the sake of work, does valuing “being busy” above all else really match up with what I know about God? No. It doesn’t. So what other interpretation might there be?

What if the “work” into which God is inviting us is not just more tasks, more accomplishments, more tangible proof that we are “productive”? What if the “work” God is inviting us to is the work of our hearts and souls? It is indeed true that we do not know what tomorrow will look like. Sure, we could make some educated guesses. We could analyze the data we have to make some logical predictions about what the future will look like. But we cannot account for all the variables, and as we know all too well, we can often get thrown a curve ball that we did not see coming. So our preparations cannot be limited to the particulars of all the scenarios we think might be possible.

The best preparation we can do is to cultivate our gifts and our habits, so that we are ready to respond to whatever the future brings. I think there are two “habits” or practices that are particularly worth cultivating in our lives, especially in a time like this. The first is being grounded.

Being grounded means that we are connected to God. We stand firm in the truth that we belong to God. We are beloved of God, not because of what we do, what kind of material wealth we have or how famous we are - or any of the ways society measures success. We are beloved of God because we belong to God. Because God loves us. Period. Full stop. We do not earn that love. It is a gift, pure and simple.

Life is full of tempests, of changes and chances, of tumultuous times that can easily knock us off that sure footing. That can temporarily (or even permanently, if we let it) blind us to that foundational truth of who and whose we are. And so we must be in the habit of cultivating our connection with God, so that we can find it quickly in the midst of a challenge.

That probably looks a little different for each of us, and yet I am guessing that prayer and worship are a significant part of that. I would also bet there is something else that helps that connects with the second “habit” we can be cultivating - each other.

That second habit is collaboration. It is connection and community. It is NOT isolation. In our land of rugged individualism, in a society that consistently rewards individual achievement, it can be easy to think that we have to do it all on our own or that it is somehow a mark of strength or superiority to be able to go solo. But it is not. Jesus didn’t. The disciples didn’t. The women at the tomb didn’t. Paul didn’t. Again and again in Scripture we are reminded of the value of having a partner or even multiple teammates in our ministry. The story of Dunstan, who we honor today, is also a reminder that we are not meant to journey alone. He revitalized monasticism in England, and set a precedent for centuries that the Archbishop of Canterbury was a monk - someone who lived in community.

We need each other. We need companions on the way. We need the wisdom and perspective that comes with shared insights and different points of view. We need the encouragement and the gift of being able to care for each other. We need the reminder that we do not ever have to bear our burdens alone. We need the reassurance that comes through holding the faith for each other in moments of fear or doubt. We need the fullness of joy that comes only through being in relationship.

I hope as we go through this week, and the weeks ahead, we will keep making space for all those habits that renew our connection to God, that help us feel grounded and rooted. I also hope we will keep reaching out, keep seeking connection, keep looking for opportunities to collaborate, so that we never feel lonely. The future is indeed uncertain, but we CAN be prepared for anything if we ground ourselves in the truth that we are, each of us, a beloved child of God. And if we keep ourselves connected to those who make the journey a delight. Amen.